Mother’s Day – A Reflection

Today is a day for honouring Mothers and thanking them for everything they do. It is a day to celebrate womanhood – the female ability to give and sustain life, to nurture and support, to give of oneself and sacrifice for the benefit of others. There is nothing more sacred or beautiful in this world, in my opinion, and I’m glad we have this day to commemorate these gifts. Although today is such a splendid day, my heart is heavy with regret because I feel like this integral part of a woman’s life has been stolen or hidden from me and I’m still trying to come to terms with the loss.

At an early age, I knew I was different from other girls. As mentioned in previous posts, I had developed Polycystic Ovary Syndrome at age 11, however, it had remained undiagnosed until only recently. At a time when I should have been celebrating my entry into womanhood with other girls my age, I was scrambling to try and figure out why I wasn’t like them. All of the girls at school were sharing their own stories of frustration and enlightenment with regards to their menstrual cycles and I was able to discern pretty quickly that my story was quite different from theirs. My periods were very infrequent, if not completely absent. I was different and different means lonely a lot of the times so I would try to go along with the crowd and just not mention my own personal experiences much to avoid alienation.

I certainly saw my share of doctors about this growing up as well. My mother was definitely concerned but all anyone would say is that one day I would grow into my cycle and I would be fine. And so we left it alone and hoped that one day it would turn out to be fine. The only problem was that it never was fine. Somewhere along the way, I just stopped thinking about it. It was like the woman inside my teenage body was screaming out for attention, trying to tell me that something was wrong and instead, I just ignored her and shoved my female instinct deep inside where I couldn’t hear it. I ignored the problem completely. With so many other issues demanding my attention, it wasn’t hard to forget about it. Still, there would be times when the thoughts would creep back into my mind and I would start to worry about it all over again. But since no one else was concerned, including the doctors, I would ignore the worry and focus on other areas of my life.

By my twenties, things still had not changed for the better but I had given up on myself. My reasoning went from the logical to the absurd – one moment thinking that I was just born barren and would have to deal with it to thinking that for some reason I was cursed. Maybe I was cursed because I was never baptized. Maybe I was cursed because I had done something wrong and this was Karmic retribution. Whatever the reason, the outcome was that I would never be able to have children. And so I buried my dreams of having a family and told myself it just wasn’t meant to be.

In a world so focused on childbirth being the pinnacle of womanhood, I felt inadequate; a failure. I wasn’t woman enough and so I began to see myself that way. I felt like I didn’t belong, like I wasn’t a true part of the sisterhood and therefore was unable to celebrate the woman in me. I know it may sound weird, I mean, I still had all the right parts but I just felt so alone and so ashamed that I wasn’t normal. So I blocked it out. I ignored my inner cries and just kept moving with my life. It’s strange how I ended up in very male-oriented jobs as well. It’s like I was unconsciously looking for a place where I wouldn’t be bombarded by my lack of womanhood and thereby protect me from dealing with the emotions of it all.

By my mid-twenties, I decided I would at least go see another doctor to see if he could shed any light on the issue. No knowledge was gained but he put me on birth control pills so I would at least have a regular monthly cycle even if it wasn’t my body doing it on its own. To this day, I have never had a regular menstrual cycle. I don’t know what it feels like to be able to rely on my body and the moon and the women around me to keep in sync with my fertility. I am still using oral contraceptives to produce a menstrual cycle every month on the advice of my doctor. He says one day, my body should adapt and I should start having a regular cycle on my own, however, this is not a guarantee. And even if my body clock does eventually kick in, it might kick in just in time for menopause. So here I am, still out of place and out of sync wondering if I’ll ever catch up.

But now, with my diagnosis, there exists a possibility of having children. I’m not completely infertile but the odds certainly aren’t good. At my age and with this disease, I would probably need a host of fertility treatments just to obtain a minute chance of having a child. If I really want to have a child but don’t find a man to share my life with soon, I may have to decide on having a child on my own. So now, I debate within myself. Do I wait and hope for the right guy or do I just do it on my own and go for it? Am I prepared to face countless fertility treatments on my own for the sake of having a child? These are the questions I wrestle with now but the good thing about it is that I can dream again. Nowadays, when the fantasies come of me holding my own baby, I let them come and I let them in. When I hold a baby now, I don’t feel left out; I just feel joy for the little life in my hands. When a child gives me a hug, I no longer feel sorrow but happiness.

I no longer feel like a modern day gal Frankenstein being gawked at by the villagers. And although some days, I catch a glimpse of feeling like I still don’t fit in, I try to tell myself I’m just a fabulous woman  showing up fashionably late for the party – in style and on her own time. I won’t lie-on a day like today; I do feel a little down that I can’t celebrate in the joys of motherhood with my friends and family for my own contribution. I mourn my past for all of the years I’ve missed out on but could have had if I had only been diagnosed sooner. Still, I am truly happy for the women in my life who have been given the gift of motherhood. It is truly a blessing that should be cherished every day. And to all women, mothers and non-mothers alike, celebrate the mother in you today for we are all nurturers and caregivers for the loved ones in our lives. It is our gift. Blessings to you all.

I Hope

It’s 12:18AM and I’m waiting for some client files to download so I thought I would check in on David Letterman. It just so happens that one of my favourite guests was on – Jack Hanna. I’ve always loved watching him on the show not just because of the animals he brings on, but also because of the knowledge he shares. And tonight, my favourite of all animals was on – the tiger. He was a young tyke but still powerful in strength and beauty. When I heard Jack Hanna mention that there were only 1400 tigers left in the world, I started to cry.

All my life, I have felt an affinity and deep affection for cats, big and small. Don’t get me wrong, I love all animals but cats are definitely my thing. And tigers are my favourite. They are the most majestic, powerful and beautiful animal I have ever seen. I remember once, when I was living out west, some friends and I travelled to the States and ended up on some game farm. It was kind of like African Lion Safari here in Ontario – there were monkeys hanging about and buffalo would come up to your vehicle and stick their heads through your windows. Off in the distance was a set of cages where they kept the tigers. I remember being disappointed at the time that the area was closed off and visitors weren’t allowed but the more I looked at the cages, the more relieved I felt because I don’t think I could stand to see such beautiful creatures held in such mediocre captivity with no room to move about.

After watching the show, I went to the WWF website and read up on what they have to say about tigers. They say there are possibly as few as 3200 tigers left in the wild. Although the number may be more promising that what Jack had quoted, it’s still not enough for survival. While reading about my beloved four-legged friends, I recalled watching another program dealing with another species in crisis – the dolphin. A few weeks back, I watched an interview with the creators of ‘The Cove’, a documentary about a group of people who are trying to stop the annual killing of dolphins in Japan. Just from watching the interview, I was appalled at the gory scenes on my screen to the point of nausea. And yes, it also brought me to tears. Some of these killings were done in the process of people trying to find a suitable dolphin for captivity, say, in your local zoo.

And then it dawned on me. We are so trusting that everyone in the world is doing everything on the up and up, but…they’re not. People lie, cheat, steal and do worse just to make an easy buck and we, the consumer seem to be happy living in ignorance. The problem is, our ignorance is causing more problems than we can manage. I know I won’t be able to change it all but I do believe in the idea that ‘‘all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing’. So today, I’m doing something. I will no longer visit any zoo/preservation location unless they advertise to their ethical capture and containment of creatures. I believe that SeaWorld has publicly stated that they no longer purchase dolphins from this park in Japan and that they now acquire their dolphins from captive-dolphin births only. Let’s hope other marine-life theme parks will follow in their footsteps. As for my precious tigers, I will definitely not be visiting any wildlife park that shoves these creatures into cages to be stared at and taunted by onlookers. I will continue to support the WWF and encourage others to do so as well. It’s a good organization and they are working as best they can to make a positive difference.

As my own cats move towards me and lay down on the floor around my feet, I hope for a better day when tigers are no longer endangered and living in fear of constantly being hunted. I hope for a day when dolphins can swim free again in Japan. I hope my small voice can help contribute to making a positive change. In the words of Morgan Freeman’s character ‘Red’ in Shawshank Redemption “I hope”.

Out of the Darkness

Out of the darkness, it lunged at me. Its claws, once human hands, reached out to rake at my flesh while I turned to run away. Jerking my torso forward with every step, I tried to put some distance between us but it just kept coming at me. Relentless. I could feel the air from its guttural growls and groans wafting at me – its breath stank of rotting flesh. My lungs were filling with air and it was getting harder and harder to take deep breaths. My stamina was about to run out and the gap was closing. Fucking zombies.

Situation Blocked

So, as I’ve told many people, this is the year where I will actually try to finish writing something I start. I currently have 5 different stories, ranging from short stories and novellas to full out epic novels on the go. The only problem is, I can’t seem to push myself to finish one of them. Most of the stories are already fully written in my head – when I create something new, it unfolds in my mind like a movie. I see what each character looks like, I can hear how they speak and the whole story just unfolds as if it was recalling some movie. But when it comes to writing it out, I get blocked up and I’m still trying to find a way to make the words flow from my brain to my laptop easier.

Everytime I have a spare moment, I think, I should sit down and continue with one of the stories but I don’t. I end up getting distracted by other things. For instance, right now, I’m too busy looking up old fav bands on YouTube like The Specials, The English Beat and UB40 and listening to some of their songs. It seems I’d rather do that at the moment than anything else. Now, I know sometimes this is what every creative person needs – a chance to recharge and explore but sometimes I wonder if I do it too much. Of course, today is hot. I have one fan going in my dining room and it is so muggy that I just don’t want to do anything, except sit and sweat. I wish I had someone special in my life right now because it would be the perfect night to grab a blanket and head out to a park somewhere and just enjoy the night sky. Sure, I could do it on my own but I’d rather share it with someone. It’s times like this I hate being single.

Anyway, my great uncle was Hugh Garner, a renown Canadian writer – I don’t like to admit this much because I feel like it would mean I have something to live up to and I’m already afraid of failing in front of people. I wonder if he ever went through periods where he just didn’t want to write. Do other writers go through it as well? Do they ever get the words stuck in their brains like I do? I wonder if technology will catch up to the point where my computer will be able to tap into my brain and record every ounce of dialogue that plays in my mind instead of me having to recall it and write/type it out. That would be fabulous! I’m thinking of trying to use a recorder but I’m kind of afraid of being that weird lady who pulls out a recorder and mumbles something incoherent into it and the strangest times, like in line at a grocery store. Maybe once I can get past that faer, things will flow better.

For today, I’ll call it situation blocked due to weather. Maybe I’ll write tomorrow.

Happy May Day!

Happy May Day!

May Day, otherwise known to the Celts as Beltane marks the beginning of summer. It was a time of celebration and hope for a good harvest to come. Spiritually speaking, it was the time when the Green Man, the god of winter, is reborn to be the consort of the May Queen. Beltane, meaning ‘bright fire’ would be celebrated by gathering spring flowers to adorn your home, dancing around the May Pole and fire-jumping to celebrate life and bounty.

Led Zepplin mentions Beltane in Stariway to Heaven when they say: “If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow don’t be alarmed now. It’s just a spring clean for the may-queen.” Jethro Tull’s ‘Jack-In-The-Green’ is another great song that will remind you of the old Celtic gods and celebrations. One of my personal favourite songs at these times is ‘Come All Ye’ by Fairport Convention:

Come all ye rolling minstrels

And together we will try

To rouse the spirit of the earth

And move the rolling sky

For me personally, it is a time to relish the coming of summer, to let out my playful spirit who has been resting through winter and to rejoice in the life I have been given. So my music is playing and I am dancing and singing and just enjoying my journey today. I hope you are as well.

Good summer everyone!

Girl Powerless

I am so disappointed in the female race as a whole. There, I’ve said it. I know, for someone like me, a woman who professes many feminist ideals, I have to say that I don’t like a lot of women. Well, maybe that is too harsh. I like them just fine, I am just disappointed in how the majority of the fairer sex carries on in their daily lives. Phrases like ‘girl power’, ‘sisterhood’ and ‘feminism’ are supposed to inspire women to break loose the chains that bind them, unfortunately, I see many women who are just as happy to remain chained. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome on a global scale. Follow me for a tick or two to see what  I mean…

In ancient societies, women were largely regarded as equal citizens – we gave life, we nurtured our families and protected our villages from sickness – all noble deeds. In many cultures, women held office just as men did, owned businesses, were leaders in their communities. And then somehow, things started to change. Women became second class citizens, the bringers of original sin, responsible for all evil things on earth. Men became responsible for our redemption and therefore, became our owners. Indeed, for centuries, women were thought of as property along with cattle. We had no rights as individuals and were allowed no freedoms.

Thanks to so many women who braved abandonment, prisonment, shame and several other costs ,women in the western world are now considered equal as citizens alongside men. We can go to school, succeed in business, own properties and decide upon our own marriages. It is a wonderful time to be a woman in many ways. What bothers me is that you would think with all of this new found freedom, women would rise up and take what they deserve, helping to make the world a more balanced place and creating a better future for the women of tomorrow. Instead, women are setting up prisons for themselves where they can wallow in ignorance.

Case and point, every commercial I see on tv is gender based. Cleaning products, cooking and cosmetics are advertised entirely with women in mind while cars, sports and finances are advertised with men as their focus. Why? is a modern woman not concerned with her finances? Can she not like sports? is she not interested in buying the best car on the market? And can men not be interested in cooking, or keeping a clean home or even using cosmetics to make themselves feel more attractive without feeling a backlash? Why do we continue to seperate so many things down the gender line?

Let’s look at the messaging in advertising a little further. Advertising in general is about making you want something you don’t already have so your life can be better. But with women, it seems that this is idea gets taken to the extreme more often than not. You see, advertisers can tell a man that buying a different car will improve his sex life and he may or may not believe this and he may or may not buy that car. But with women, advertisers have spent a great deal of time and money to tell them they just aren’t right, that they are flawed and they need to be fixed.

Diet plans, diet pills, cosmetic surgery, diet surgery, lip plumpers, fake fingernails, anti-wrinkle creams – all of this is desgned with the idea in mind that women need to be fixed and changed. And why wouldn’t we need fixing? We’ve been flawed, second hand indiviudals for quite some time now. Sure, we may have certain freedoms under the law, but at the heart of the situation, women are still, in many circles, considered less than. The diet industry alone makes billions of dollars banking on making women uncomfortable in their own skin. And what do women do in response? Do we stage protests against the advertising? Do we boycot these products? Do we seek alternative products? Do we pressure goverment to make our food safer and healthier to eat? Do we pressure governement to remove all of the health harming checmicals from our food? No, we aquiesce and believe in what we’re told. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?

I thought we were WOMEN. WE are the caretakes of the world. WE are the mothers and nurturers of society. And yet, we are letting other people tell us what to do. I am sick and tired of seeing my friends suffer and feel uncomfortable in their own skin because they don’t measure up to what others have deemed to be a healthy body. You want me to listen to the medical association’s opinion on what is a healthy body weight? These are the same group of individuals, who only 100 years ago, would treat women for ‘hysteria’ when they got too angry or upset. Yes, that’s right. Say, your husband gambled away your entire bank account and, upon hearing the news, you showered a few swear words his way in frustration. The scientific, medically certified response would be to have treated you for hysteria. Oh, and the treatment for such an illness? You would be taken to your doctor’s office where he would masturbate you until orgasm and then diagnose you as cured. Yep, I can’t make this stuff up people. This is our history. Let us not forget that the first offical medical association was comprised of men only in a bid to oust midwives from their role in society. Yep, that’s the medical establishment for you. 

So here we are, one whole gender, more concerned with trying to be something we’re not then being satisfied with who we are. Science has shown that diets don’t work and yet we still believe that they will. We suffer and starve and watch scales in hopes of achiveing perfection. And for every time we fail, we make another attempt where we say ‘it will be different this time’. What about just being happy with who we are? Should we eat healthy – absolutely. But that’s they key, as women, we are being very unhealthy to ourselves. We put ourselves down, we don’t take pride in who are in the present moment, we let others take advantage of our good nature and we punish ourselves for being alive. And if that’s not good enough, we then start punishing other women in our lives so they can feel as miserable as we do. Seriously, when will this all end?

Is this the legacy we want to pass on to the young women after us? Do we want them to grow up with as narrow a view of the world and of themselves or do we really mean it when we say we want to empower women? As a woman, are you prepared to let these outdated and unhealthy expectations go? Are you prepared to love yourself, right this minute for who you are? Are you prepared to eat a chocolate bar right now, guilt free? Are you prepared to do what is right instead of what is easy?

And how about our men? How can they trust in us if all we do is act like untrusting, crazy people obsessed with body perversion? Believe me, they’ll be there to support us. They don’t like the pressure any more then we do. It’s easy to punish and refuse yourself. It’s easy to live under then umbrella of ‘just a woman, don’t expect much’. It’s easy to let everyone else tell you what to do with your life. Please be brave. Please listen to your heart, not the inner voice that’s been trained to put you down. Look to the future and live today to make a difference. Real change will only come within us. We gave up our power long ago and it will never be handed back. We need to take it and tell the world who real women really are.

Start now.

And The Forests Will Echo With Laughter

 

I had some photoshop fun last night while dealing with a work crisis. The final piece was used by combining two different photos and applying some filter effects.